Tag forgiveness

Pictures of You, Me and a Life So Long Ago

Elle Reverie Leave a comment

I sat and sorted through boxes of old photos today. It wasn’t a fun trip down memory lane like most would imagine and all I felt was sadness mixed with detachment. Sad about faking happiness, sad about mentally beating myself up for years over people who would never like, love or accept me. It IS okay to feel sad but now I’ve also decided to no longer dwell on it anymore. I’m done.

I made the choices that led up to those photos being taken and stayed much longer than I should have. Responsibility owned and acknowledged with the pictures documenting decisions I made now stacked neatly in small boxes. My past, held in scattered formation in a cardboard container, waiting for more decisions to be made. Do I keep them, pass them along to my daughter or dispose of them by fire?

I suppose no one ever gets out of this world without some pain and at least one tiny box of regrets and here I was sitting with a pile of photographic pain, carefully deciding how to process it. Those who participated in my past are now either dead or they have moved on, as have I.

There will be no opportunity to “talk it out” with the not so dearly departed so they will simply be catalogued in the back of my mind as forever unresolved.

I dare not pick open old wounds as I was once so eager to do because all I will be left with is darkness and depression. I’m done with that manner of coping. It takes up too much time and ultimately only circles back to anger which I have no energy for any longer. What is done is done and onward we go.

Oh, it’s so hard to resist slashing open those scars as a familiar darkness beckons me to forgo healing and slide right back into rage. I won’t go there. I can’t.

Set the past free and you will set yourself free. Such a quaint saying isn’t it? By releasing myself from mistakes, slights and the pain heaped upon me by others I keep them from winning. They will not win as long as I am still alive. That’s my plan anyway because I was never their problem and they certainly are no longer mine. I will be free soon.

My heart, mind and soul belong to me and me alone so I let the past fall and drift away with the only evidence of its existence found now in old pictures, journals and here. I can trap it all here in a snapshot made entirely of words. Given freely to others as a gift to myself really. Ultimate thrifting I suppose.

The power the past once exerted over me was heavy and so overwhelming it felt like being held down, held back and held hostage over the most insignificant things. Words I spoke, facial expressions I did or did not make, actions I should or should not have taken, all tallied up as evidence against me.

I own all of those memories now and can do what I want with them. They are mine and I can release them back into the very darkness that silently choked me into submission so many years ago.

Silent no more but also, hurt no more. I don’t feel those feelings as intensely and am no longer invested in revenge or even the desire to simply have my say. The energy I once spent stewing and lamenting has been reinvested back into my personal happiness and it feels good! I feel good, finally.

When I sift through these pictures of you, me, them and us all together I no longer feel anything but a weight being lifted because I was never the person any of you said I was. The only thing I was, was sad, so painfully sad and lonely because I knew I didn’t belong and you all definitely made sure I was aware of that. Believe me, I tried to fit in for a while, I really did, but all of that forced trying hurt too much, so I stopped. I got closer to freedom.

Anger replaced joy much too often back then, and eventually, I did realize the futility of it all and stopped. It just wasn’t meant to be, that’s okay, I understand and even apologize for making situations harder at times because I refused to admit defeat. Even, in all of that, the only true regret I have is that I did not walk away sooner because with each delay of the inevitable I left a piece of myself behind.

So now, I continue rebuilding and look back fondly on my daughter growing up and my eventual finding of strength to leave bad situations. Some of the people involved in my past life grew and evolved and those I wished would have, clung to deep inner turmoil until their dying breath. I am sad for them and sorry about the opportunities to truly connect that they lost but, it was their choice and not caused by any of my actions. Being free was not their wish, it was mine.

That will not be the path I take now because forgiveness of self is the gift I received from this whole experience. I can look at these pictures now and put them into perspective because I’m no longer held back by grief over what I lost, what I never had or by the anger of what was perpetrated upon me.

I am in charge now and these pictures are simply dots marked on my timeline, placeholders for things that happened in the past which no longer have any power over me.

I am free.

© 2026-2027 L.A. Cobb

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to “In the Land of Reverie” and L.A. Cobb (formerly L.A. Askew) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The place where loyalty and forgiveness lies…

Elle Reverie Leave a comment

At one time I placed a great amount of loyalty in the hands of people who constantly drove over me with their jealousy fueled anger bus and people who saw betrayal as a means to an end. An end that benefited them only and cut me to the quick, slicing deeper and deeper until I no longer recognized myself.

And, in failing to recognize who I truly was I also failed to see those who flipped on me, those who extracted a perverted measure of satisfaction from my pain, for who they truly were as well. The words, “They are all you have” echoed through the pain and still, I went back. Forgive and forget! Just move on! Are you STILL hanging on to this?

You bet! Not getting let off the hook that easy you psycho…

That place, the sovereign soil of heritage over honor and blood over truth remains contaminated, an inhospitable tenement with no safe harbor. Each trip I made to its doorstep ended in an unsettled feeling of impending tragedy, or, so as not to seem overly dramatic, a nagging sense that I absolutely did not belong there.

Why is it so hard to let go of things, places and people that no longer work in our lives? Letting go of those who hurt us over and over? Is it because we fear being wrong to stay angry or is it because we might be very right to not forgive and admitting this comes with a large dose of regret and embarrassment over not doing it sooner?

How did we come from that place? How did we come from those people? Where is our place in this world now?

And, what about forgiveness? Oh, yes, the ultimate selfish demand from those with every intention of never changing, never apologizing and every intention to do harm again. Who is forgiveness for again? You? Them? Or, is the saintly Mother Forgiveness and the warm glow of salvation she’s rumored to bring just a myth?

“Oh, you MUST forgive or you will live with anger and bitterness!”

Okay. Are you sure about that? I heard once that anger is an energy, a motivator, a teacher. I also heard that angry women are _________, choose whichever derogatory term, typically men, apply to women who refuse to bend, break and, refuse to…forgive. My refusal is no admission of guilt. No, it’s a firm foot being placed solidly on the ground that says, “No sir, my life will not be played out on your terms.” This is my life, my choice and I’m perfectly content knowing there are Forgiveness Soldiers out there that demonize me for being strong.

I owe you nothing.

The anger I felt inside moved me forward. The anger I felt inside pushed me to look at people closer. The anger I felt inside urged me to listen to my gut. I am not stuck, bitter, sad, tortured or any of those negative things promised by the pious. Its almost as if they want us to be unhappy…just so they can feel right. Go figure.

© 2020 L.A. Askew

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to “In the Land of Reverie” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The silence continues…

Elle Reverie Leave a comment

It has been 3 months since I have heard anything from my immediate family. Nary a text from sisters, nieces or nephew. Radio silence. Not even a short email or text asking for clarification about what happened. It’s almost as if they don’t give a shit! I say that with great sarcasm because…I know they don’t and laughing it off is my coping mechanism.  Ha! Ha! My family is a hateful lot of selfish assholes! So hilarious right? One sister’s emotional outbursts rule the rest of the family.

In this time I have sold my house, planned a move and my dear daughter graduated from high school. The last event they knew about but didn’t acknowledge except for one blurb via social media to my daughter from her cousin.

This is own new life.

A fractured family that no longer cares about our momentous occasions (unless the occasions are their own) and the weight of this realization sits square on mine and my daughter’s shoulders.

The-Family-Paradox-A-Dichotomy-of-Joy-and-Dysfunction-1140x751

The guilt I feel about offering her such an uncaring family tree is immense and something I think about every day. She has no caring and involved blood relatives left on my side of the family that she can count on for true emotional support. And, to now know that they don’t care about her or her accomplishments breaks my heart. All I can do is reiterate that the failure is theirs and not hers but I know she still feels the sting and my guilt remains.

Believe me, (and this is a Reverie “believe me” not a Trump one) it has been a tempting option to just call and try to smooth things over for my daughter’s sake. But then, I remember that I did that several times before and the shit kept rolling my way. And, I also took into account the respect I earned for not letting those who wish me ill get away with continually heaping verbal abuse upon my head. My daughter’s respect means much more to me than any one-sided, short-lived truce between me and a sister who has made it clear that her true allegiance is with herself, her spouse and her children, and is not shared with me or my daughter.

In the past, if something bad was happening to my younger sister or her family everyone was expected to rally around and offer support, which I did. I helped my nephew get an apartment on his own by acting as the guarantor on his lease since he had no credit and his parents had poor credit. I also helped out twice when he had car issues. Although, the second time I wasn’t quick enough to jump to and got accused of brushing family off to have dinner with friends when in reality I was offering crisis support to a client. I felt no need to explain that to my nephew or my sister at first because it was really none of their business but even if I had the selfish response would have probably been the same.

I forgave that particular outburst and was willing to move on yet the resentment apparently lingered on her part and the emotional imbalance grew. This is very evident in hindsight and I do not foresee receiving a peace offering in the near future…or ever really.

When my sister expressed how much our parents had hurt her and her children, I supported her without hesitation. When our mother chose to send a scathing letter to my siblings in defense of the indefensible abuse we experienced I backed my sister completely. During that time I also expressed to my mother descriptions of the abuse I, myself suffered. I effectively shut the door on any relationship I had left with my parents but did so gladly because it was for the right reason. I was defending her and her family while also standing up for myself.

Do you always have to forgive?

If the tables were turned?

Suck it up! Our problems are more important stupid snowflakes!

This I know and this I accept.

Does it still hurt and do regrets linger? Hell yes! When I think about everything that has transpired over the past few years the tears immediately well up and I get a burning lump stuck in my throat. That is pure pain moving up from my gut to my mouth, ready to burst forth in the loudest fucking scream imaginable. I want to punch things, to kick out and sob until I’m weak. I want to stop feeling it but, I can’t.

Am I angry at my family for what has happened?

I was for a long time.

But now? I am simply sad.

Sad to know that if the silence continues they will not get to know my daughter as an adult. Sad that they will not get to visit me in my new home. Sad that they will not get to experience all the great things my daughter, their niece, and cousin, will accomplish while in college and after. Sad that they will miss weddings, births, birthdays any potential family get-together with us and all for what? Built up envy and resentment disguised as a disagreement online over gun control? Amazing! I know it isn’t just about the latter but it’s amazingly ridiculous nonetheless.

Adult Sibling Estrangement

With all of this…I still hang on to hope. Hope that 3 months will not turn into 3 years and hope that I someday we can all sit down and talk, face-to-face like adults rather than tossing nasty texts and Facebook comments back and forth. To facilitate this I set up parameters that limit my sister’s ability to text me or contact me on social media but email, phone and in person are still options I will permit. Sending a nasty text or leaving a shit comment online are cowardly acts so, I figured, if I take that avenue away then, if the message is important enough, it will get to me.

I hope.

Again, giving it time, giving it space to breathe. It’s all I can do.

© 2018 L.A. Askew
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to “In the Land of Reverie” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.