I have never been able to meditate. Unit recently. And by “meditate” I mean I find blissful ways to distract my mind so I don’t have room for useless garbage. Anger really is a motivator!

To ohm in blissful meditative silence is hard for someone with constant swirling thoughts. “Why did they say what they said?” “How fucked up is their life that they would even do such a thing?”   Those kind of thoughts. The perpetual fixer in me, thinking over every angle and every causation for shitty actions. How can I fix it?

I can’t.

When I say it wasn’t until recently that I was able to calm my mind enough to drown out part of the noise, in reality, its a grand work in progress that has little to do with sitting cross-legged on a poofy cushion listening to pling-pling music while burning incense.

Some shit will always get through because conventional mindful meditation is really just an excuse to over think. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/do-the-right-thing/201904/the-trouble-mindfulness

MY form of meditation is to create new things. Art, writing, cooking, gardening, laughing with friends and spending quality time with what little family I have left. It’s to stay busy doing things I love because when I am in a “love” state I have no time for hate. Or, at least, I forget to hate.

It made no sense how I was originally cut from my familial “team” but after the first unprovoked snarl, trust began to erode and I knew more was coming. I knew that I was the new target because the old targets were no longer available. Out with the old shit and in with a new way to grasp some control!

But, here’s the thing, if the target keeps moving you can’t hit it. Right?

Go! Be free to rant and rave about how it is YOU who has been wronged and pontificate, the best way you know how; through memes or Quote of the Day posts online. 

If that’s what you need to do to get by…who knew you were such a philosopher?

Yes, say I’m the “crazy” one. Say I’m the one who is mad over “stupid shit.” I understand the meaning and intent behind deflection but, please proceed if it keeps your boat afloat.

I used to be curious about how that whopper of a lie would be spun but now? You lost me in the ether. A busy mind, engaged in creation equals a broken give a shit button. 

To be able to let go is so incredibly hard but it becomes easier once I realize that these players in my life never actually cared about anything but their own agendas. There never was a “team” because that would mean they worked as hard to connect with me as I did with them and that was never the case.

And so, I am now mindful of the fact that helping others comes with great cost. Especially when that “help” is not appreciated or valued. Is it MEAN to place certain people outside of my sphere of existence now because of “stupid shit” or was that STUPID SHIT just the final wake-up call signalling my time was better spent elsewhere?

That answering of the cosmic call, if you will, cost me family connections and it cost me wasted time thinking about what happened, how it came about and what could be done to fix it.

There is no fixing anything. It is. And, so it shall be. I accept it and move on to new projects.

Now, who wants to climb a mountain with me? Let’s go!

© 2019 L.A. Askew

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