Whose Grudge is it Anyway?

Have you ever gotten stuck in the middle of a drama trap and you had no idea how or why it started? You know I have! And, I am currently stuck in it for the entirety of the unforeseen future. It’s a soul-sucking loop of insanity that appears to have no end!

Now, in the middle of this battle, a fight that I didn’t start, comes the missive that I am STUBBORN. Yes, I know I can be but, in this case, I think I have a pretty good argument for why I should not concede. Does that make me the grudge holder or the grudge refuter? Not it!

Not my grudge, not my responsibility I say. But, does that mean that I won’t jump to help those who keep pulling me back into drama should they need it? I absolutely WILL help them and I have been trying desperately to make that clear. Got it? One has nothing to do with the other.

So, you may call me stubborn but am I stubborn because I refuse to let emotional bullies shit on me and my loved ones or is it because I refuse to roll over and accept responsibility for a conflict that I haven’t a clue about its true origins? Where does the desire to be THE BIGGER PERSON conflict with the need to protect ones immediate family from negative forces that have shown they cannot be trusted and most likely WILL do it again?

It conflicts right here I say.

And, even as I say that we can go back up two short paragraphs. Although I don’t trust the Grudge Family any further than I can throw them I would still save them from a burning building without hesitation. Because I’m not a dick and I do love my sisters and two of my misguided brothers. I can’t reserve a place in my heart for the brother that abused me or the parents that let him and then heaped their own shit-ton of abuse on me but…I do not wish any horrific tragedy on them. I just want them to stay in the past for good.

This is my line in the sand…don’t cross it!

God, what a confusing ball of contridictions family can be! Love them, hate them or hold them at arm’s length like you would a hissing cat. Do I apologize for another’s crimes in order to artificially piece back together the shame-filled family vase or stand my ground and maintain a steady footing in healthy reality? I love a good fictional tale but this one has an ending I can pretty much predict will not be enjoyable so I choose to not play and can only love from afar in hopes that reason finally breaks through.


Why would any reasonable person accept responsibility for a one-sided, passive-aggressive argument fueled by assumption and paranoia anyway? When an irrational, hot-tempered blowtorch of, “Oh, you probably think I’m a bad parent!” is the first shot fired over a sinking boat’s bow a reasonable and RATIONAL person would tell that person to back up and try again. Nope, we don’t put words in anyone’s mouth here nor do we assume we know how anyone else thinks. Crazy making at its finest! No one wins when crazy is in charge.

The above passage may contain some of the words that launched this battle but, they aren’t the cause. That infection started many years before as just an annoying itch. And that itch fed on decades-long feelings of resentment, even abandonment maybe? I have no idea. We never had any REAL talks remember? Just scratching the surface; “How are you?” “I’m good.” “Let’s bitch about Mom/Dad/Brother/Sister.” Never once did I ever hear, “I really resent that you didn’t make an effort to hang out with me more when I was younger.” “You just left me here with THEM.”


Is THAT what this is really about? I can only guess. The odds of getting a reasonable and honest answer are pretty slim so I won’t hold my breath. I would like to know though, it’s part of my curious nature, and I would also like to be part of helping work through that mess of feelings. I honestly would.

The main reason my life record is currently stuck and skipping over and over on this topic is that, maybe, I am using writing as a way to sort through my own emotions about this unpleasant chapter as well. Call that stubborn or call it emotional protection. Either way, if you, the creator of a grudge are reading this then maybe no one needs to apologize at all. Maybe we all just need to promise to do no further harm.

You may think that the vitriol you served up was justified but think about it from where I stand for a moment. Do you protect your immediate family? Yes? Without hesitation? Well, so do I. Simple as that. Now, it’s time to protect myself and as I am doing that I am also learning, growing and prioritizing my energies.

The amazing irony here is that it’s really hard to hear that it’s all on me to fix a problem that I never knew I had until a flurry of text temper tantrums and social media diarrhea proved otherwise. Cat’s out of the bag now, can’t hide that mangey disgusting thing anymore so either admit you own it like me or walk away.

The choice is yours.

© 2019 L.A. Askew

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Trumped Toxicity…

I have been thinking about this for a long while now. Ever since a divisive, narcissistic, dour faced bowel movement slithered into the White House.


Diet Coke




Try to have a bowel movement



Tweet, Tweet, Tweet

People that I know very well voted for this slug of a human being. They longed for “change” or so they claimed but my intuition tells me that what they were really looking for was a reason to express their true nature.

Now is the era of Vile Honesty, which seems so ironic since the bird of Fake News gets tossed in the air to fly at anyone or anything deemed questioning or skeptical. Always question the intentions of everyone and everything! That’s my stance anyway.

Genuine honesty, concern mixed with constructive criticism and thinking before speaking are all becoming the urban legends of modern life. Say what you want, when you want, consequences be damned, is now the unofficial motto of the American experience.

We’re living in the era of ‘Peak Asshole’: Here’s how to deal with all those jerks

In the past I emplored people to say what they mean and mean what they say. This cannot be translated to, “say any mean thing you want and back it up with as many mean actions as you can.” And to those who attempt to attach this bastardized definition to my words as a way to justify shitty behavior; you will never find acceptance or peace.

For many decades the dark thoughts, beliefs and intentions of the insecure have been itching for release. If that isn’t apparent to reasonable folks then troubled times may be picking up the mantle of “most unwelcome houseguest” and trouble will stick with us for the foreseable future.

Applying my own personal experience to this theory I can pick out some glaring examples:

1. Seeing family members making seriously poor financial choices and when the bottom finally falls out these “choices” suddenly become everyone else’s fault. Personal responsibility no longer exists.

2. Hearing these same people rant and rave about how they have been wronged yet hearing no hint of accepting any blame for their role in the long playing shit show.

3. And finally, when the usual targets of anger are no longer available that inner, unreleased visciousness gets shifted to another target. Me.

And, in any other decade I might have fought fire with a massive bonfire of my own but now? I just don’t care anymore. That’s not to say that old habits don’t flare up and if you read the initial post about family sociopathy you will see that I briefly fell into the trap. I did that, I learned from it and now I am closing the door on further malicious interactions that do nothing other than allowing petty axe grinders to flourish.

Face it people, when the 24/7 news cycle is filled with both praise for and horror over the blatantly racist, sexist, homophobic and devisive personal beliefs of a reality tv hack turned politician is it really too hard to believe that other nasties wouldn’t see it as a sign that its okay for them to come out from under their rock too?

Welcome to the age of attack first and listen never. It’s going to be a long, dirty trip.